I wish I only lived at night.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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