this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
