No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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