God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
