Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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