Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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