Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
