God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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