Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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