I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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