I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
