I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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