they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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