I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
