Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
