i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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