my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Im part way to drunk.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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