filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
