If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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