my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
50% drunk capacity currently
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
