it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
