we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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