We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
