he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
