So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
