now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
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