so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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