My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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