I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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