I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
