im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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