i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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