mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
