she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
