Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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