my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
