You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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