bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
