I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
