Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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