he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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