from now on my penis is your penis
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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