just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
dude. I can hear the air.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
