After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
