just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
