Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
