every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
