dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
