everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
