I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
not ubering you a puppy
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
