I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I have tasted many bathrooms
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
